It is really strange.  I can recognize your voice, from your vocal and from your fingers.  Don’t know why, but I knew.

When I was in primary school, I was a member of Choir.  Sometimes when we were in practice, the pianist requested me to help him to turn the staff.  I was not the only one playing instruments in the Choir, and actualy I only knew playing percussion.  Might be that was a training to me to recognize the voice from different instrument player.

When closing my eyes, concentrate on your voice, it is a wonderful experience.  Let me flying high, flying far, flying through highs and lows.  It’s tender, it’s passionate, it’s glorify.  Met so many instrument player, I enjoy in the voice from your fingers.

Love to listen it, I wonder I am willing in deep of it in my rest life.

Thank God giving me a blissful life.  All yours love made me feeling blissful.

I knew I gave too much pressure on myself, which made you all worried about me.  I knew your care from your deep heart even sometimes I mad on you.  I knew I never walked alone.

Nothing I can do for you, only I do my best in all the ways (oh, pressure again huh …)

You said I am persisted, and I said I am not.  Then you said “you’re persisted to say you are not”.  I just wanted to let you know the true reason really different from that I think you believed.

Anyway, I am feeling blissful as I knew your care.

Feeling sick today, fever at 102 degrees.

You know what I did for the whole day?  Managed some business stuff with my beloved secretary, then slept almost over a day until dinner time.  Ate almost nothing and actually not going to eat much.

Cleaned up my mind with God’s words, rebuilt myself with God’s guidance.  Tomorrow, not only is another day; the best, is not only yet to come.  I believe I can perform much better, and the best after a day of rest.

Never refused tears running, just not much people saw my tears.  They are preserved to the closest.  I always said tears like a cleaning device, clean up all the dirt in the heart and in the eyes.

Some years ago, read a book called “Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus”, said men like going back to their cave sometimes when they felt depressed and stressed.  The only thing women can do is just ready at the entrance of the cave, her man will come out at once when he settled in his cave.  When I felt stressed and depressed,  I acted like a man.

My sweeties, no worry, I can manage.  I will not fall down because I knew you all love me, you all care about my happiness in all the ways rather than my highness.

My beloved Boss, no worry, I will keep myself in good health condition,  always at your side and acting as the greatest support to you.

You know what I am going to do?  I want to get back to my cave and let tears running.

Really stressful.  Might be from my job, and might be from myself.

Wanted to make things under control, and make things into order.   However, I lost.  I am not a baby sitter, even not a mother.  I am not going to taking care of a “kid”.  I always felt I did things wrong.  I am not a human-like memory device.  I have no buttom on my head like on the keyboard.  My brain is not a email receiver and reader without the electronic device.

I wanted to make you comfort, to release your stress, to bring you more space.  Unfortunately, you told me you felt stressful.  Really wonder what I did.  Lost my way, did many many things in a day but cannot put in count after a day.  Everyday I told myself “you can make it”, but everyday you told me “you did wrong”.  But what is the “right”?  I don’t know.

載著滿腦子的憂煩，參與助導部舉行的「助導部導師職員退修會2009」。感恩我安靜的等候，聽到了祂的回應。

劉樹森牧師在信息分享時，談到現代人「過於擠迫、過於吵鬧、過於忙碌」。心想，我也是個不折不扣的現代人 – 行事曆上排滿各樣日程；聽不到看不見別人真正需要；東奔西跑來來回回，像坐不能。

親愛的朋友總叫我間中稍作休息，放慢腳步，偏偏我最愛回應「趁還有力的時候多做事，不要白白浪費上帝所給的才幹與力量」。多漂亮堂皇的理由！

忙碌、吵鬧、疲累，原來真的能使人麻木，再看不到別人，只看得到自己。

劉牧師叫我們要「cut」！

一邊聽，一邊想，我的眼睛放了在哪裡﹖是上帝讓我在那個地方要作的事，還是在個人感受上﹖我憂煩顯出我的軟弱，顯出我的貪婪 – 對個人感受的貪婪。當我重新將定晴的點轉移回上帝那裡，心裡的苦毒沒有了，心也是真實的寛了。

然後我再想，這些日子東奔西跑，生活充實，幹著自己喜歡的事情，很不錯丫！但是我心裡感到虧欠，好像只是當一個周末基督徒，星期六、日屬靈地事奉，與神相近。但星期一至五，我在幹甚麼﹖好像離神很遠。我的讀經，我的靈修，斷斷續續的，毫不專心。

經過安靜，細聽上帝的話語，回歸根本，我決定「cut」！騰出多一點空間，讓視野廣闊，看看別人的需要；留下多一點的精神，關心需要關心的人；預留多一點的閒情，敏感別人內心需要，體貼人心。

突然很想喝一杯冰凍的利賓納。讓我再想起你那微不足道，無聲而溫柔的動作。

那份貼心，燃點起微涼的空氣，讓冷了的心添一點暖。

我們都愛在微處觀察，我們都敏感別人的需要。我們都需要一點空間，累積這些溫柔貼心的小動作，一點一滴的填滿我們的心，作為我們日後的憑證。

決定放手。

這個決定，絕非因為無名火起的緣故。

我聽到身體給我的聲音，要休息了。身心疲累，人也瘦了。究竟有甚麼比身心健康來得更重要﹖需要重整腳步，重整生命的重點。

或許在某些人眼中，我只為逃避，逃回那個救生網裡。我可以膽敢的說，逃避的想法曾經浮過腦海，但這個決定，絕非逃避。經過今天的安靜與反省，心寛了，眼睛也明亮了。被拆毀，成破碎，也在被重整。

跟在你身邊的日子，最大的感受是你心裡缺乏真實的平安。或許你堅決承認，但這是我在你身邊這段日子最真實的感受。

在追在尋，一個又一個目標和理想，時刻鞭策著你，將你帶到一個又一個高峰。為著那一個又一個的新終點，你咬緊牙關跨過一個又一個的跳欄。我心裡總在想，你要抓緊的，究竟是甚麼﹖

有時候，我在跟你摃，只是說不到兩句，我還是把說話吞下去。能夠讓你將一切落作「控制範圍」裡，你才會感到心安。你說你壓力很大，你說你晚上睡不好，一切我都看在眼裡。

「這裡的東西都是我的。」聽著，有點痛心。華麗硬朗底下，是不堪一擊的脆弱。你努力在抓那些留不住的東西，死拼抓緊那會隨時間朽壞的身外物。你在抓著這本來空無的東西成為你生存的浮台、生命的救生圈。

我在天上的父，給地上最大的禮物，就是心裡平安。在眾人認為是你將我帶到你的身邊時，實情是祂將我放在你身邊，因為祂看到你的真正需要，要給你真實的平安。

由始至終，依然追尋最簡單不過的戀愛。不要驚心動魄，不要盪氣迴腸，只要一份淡淡的、貼心的愛。聽說這淡然的愛算不得是戀愛。

有人說戀愛該是有點刺激，有點不明所以，這才算得上是戀愛。真的嗎﹖

聽說過一個關於信任的造山比喻，大概愛也該是如此。一點一點的累積，將水滴滴進缸子裡，一點一點的盛滿。濃濃的情意或許在剎那間爆發，卻只有細水流長才能走過日月江河。

壯觀瀑布與緩緩流水，還是後者教人舒服，縱然不及前者見人擊掌驚歎，卻不如前者般同具傷人之力。

偶爾，我是衝動無比，但在重要事情上，還是深知就算如何無名火起，依然得冷靜下來反覆思量，認真的作決定。本來就是決定要離開，那是經過深思熟濾，曾經給予機會逆轉的一個決定。然而最後，還是暫且放下，靜觀其變。

原來多麼年來，無論怎樣變，有一點還是沒有變，口裡縱然說著「不知如何是好」，但心裡早已心中有數，已暗作決定。是遲是早，決定還是會曝光。

記得年紀很小的時候已經嚐過壓在心裡的一份感覺，討厭這種感覺。努力的將它放輕，負重確是輕了點，卻還沒法輕如蒲公英隨風飄走，一去不返。

感恩一顆敏感的心，在旁人還沒察覺變化的時候，已能參透丁點倪端；在旁人略有感受的時候，似乎已看透當中變化。銀幣總有兩個面，就是如此敏感，敏感得太容易被刺傷。刀痕纍纍，傷疤隱而未見，實在沒必要繼續宰割下去。